Just after WWII, a sergeant in the one of the Highland regiments was comining up to retirement so he requested an interview with the Colonel. "Request permission to take my rifle with me when I retire." "Why?" Asked the Colonel. "Well Sir, I've carried it on sentry, it went with me to France in '39, and got me through Dunkirk. It went back with me on D-Day, and to VE-Day. And now I'm retiring. I'd like it as a souvenir." The Colonel promised to look into the matter and two weeks later, the Sergeant was up in front of the Colonel again, to be told that, on payment of a small sum and acquiring a firearms licence his request would be granted. He duly paid up, sucessfully applied for his licence and shortly after that, retired, the owner of a former service rifle. Two days after his retirement, the sergeant's wife saw him building a small plinth right in the centre of their garden, he carefully built a pair of cradles in the top of the plinth,
reverently placed the rifle in the cradle, carefully cemented it into place, stepped back and said, "Now you bastard...RUST !"
In the pocket of his charred overcoat, police found an out-of-date rail timetable. The train arrived 10 minutes before he thought it would, sending hundreds of volts of electricity through the thief's hacksaw and into his body, and putting an untimely end to his career.
Inspector Rae was invited by a friend to play at Cannes to promote the film, To End All Wars. The film deals with the experience of Allied POWs. Starring Robert Carlyle and Kiefer Sutherland, the film is based on a true story of four Allied POWs who endure harsh treatment at the hands of their Japanese captors during World War II.
But Inspector Rae said that he did not think his trip to the glamorous French Riviera resort would involve any police work. "I was at Cannes to play the bagpipes and never expected to get involved in anything police related and my last day turned out to be a real busman's holiday for me," he said.
After Inspector Rae alerted gendarmes to the attempted theft, he went to the local police station to make a statement. French police officers searched the pickpocket, who was a known criminal, and found that he was carrying a knife.
Inspector Rae added: I'm now just waiting to hear if I'll be required to go back to Cannes, this time to attend court."
Bagpipes Wake the Weary at Madonna Castle - December 7, 2000
DORNOCH, Scotland (Reuters) - Madonna and Guy Ritchie could face a rude awakening after their wedding day in the Scottish Highlands.
Gothic turreted Skibo Castle, where they are expected to stay, has a tradition that slumbering guests are roused by the skirling sound of a kilted bagpiper playing outside their windows.
If that is not enough, someone will start playing an organ installed in the grand hall of the castle built more than 100 years ago by steel tycoon and philanthropist Andrew Carnegie.
"The bagpipes are pretty effective at waking our guests, much better than an alarm clock," said Skibo manager Andrew McPherson.
"But if they are persuaded to turn over and have a few more minutes that's when the church organ comes into play, with jaunty and lively airs to remind them that breakfast is ready."
Madonna and her film director boyfriend Ritchie are to marry on December 22.
The organ, built in 1904, is also expected to play the Wedding March when Madonna glides past in a dress designed by her friend Stella McCartney.
The organ was the favorite instrument of Carnegie, who gave away more than 2,000 organs to churches and other organizations throughout his life.
McPherson said that if the piper and the organist did not wake slumbering guests, then it was the turn of the castle's resident falconer with his peregrine falcons, owls and eagles.
"If the piping and organ music doesn't work then the screeching of these birds will," he said.
Skibo, now a private health and country club, stands in extensive grounds in the north of Scotland. It is now owned by businessman Peter de Savary.
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
"What's wrong with the nails?" he asked.
"Sure, the heads are at the wrong end."
"You fool. Can't you see they are for the other side of the house?!"
An Irishman was walking through the cemetary when he came upon a headstone inscribed: 'Here lies a politician and an honest man.'
"Boys-a-dear,' he said, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in the one grave?"
Seamus O'Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. It was suggested by the Irish Mensa Board that he enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He did and won a place.
On the evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the leather seat. The lights dimmed and a spotlight pointed to his face.
The MC said, "Seamus, what subject are you studying?" Seamus responded, "Irish History". "Very well", said Magnus. "Your first question:"
"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'"
Seamus responded..."Pass."
"OK", said the MC, "who was the leader of the Easter Rising?",
Seamus Responded..."Pass."
"OK", said the MC, "how long did the Easter Rising last?"
Seamus Responded..."Pass."
Immediately, a voice shouts from the crowd, "Good man Seamus... Tell the English nothing!"
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said,
"The trouble is the carburettor." He turned around and only saw an old horse.
The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working."
The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one pound apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realised they had no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."
The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English. Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not when I'm driving the bus." was the response.
How to tell a proper joke
"There was this Irish fellow and ..."
"Now wait just a minute. Why must it always be an Irishman?!"
"OK, OK. There was this Chinese fellow, and he was at the O'Reilly wake...."
Q: How do you tell pipe tunes apart?
A: By their names.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to
make a big dent in that pile of sand."
The foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of
sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he awasa ina charge ofa de supplies, but he hasa disappeared, and I no
couldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you; I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman answered, "Aye, ye did lad; boot ah couldnay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese laddie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay
fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
"SUPPLIES"!!
Q: How does one address a piper dressed in an off-the-rack suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
Old Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One sad day, the dog died and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, " I'm afraid not, we cannot be havin' services for an animal in the church. But there is a Luthern denomination down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for your pet."
Said Old Muldoon, "Bless you Father, I'll go right away. Do ya' think 5000 pounds is enough to pay for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Killing Time - 2001 Darwin Award Nominee
(Glasgow, Scotland) Electric trains in Glasgow collect power from the overhead cable, and transmit any excess through the rails to a solid copper cable that routes it to a power redistribution box. Copper is a favorite target for thieves. One enterprising fellow with a good knowledge of the electrical system planned to cut the copper cable during the time between trains, when no electricity was travelling through it. His plan might have worked but for one small flaw.
Scots Piper Bags Cannes Criminal BBC, 24 May 2001
An off-duty Scottish police officer made a citizen's arrest at the Cannes Film Festival while taking a break from playing his bagpipes. Inspector John Rae, 36, who is secretary of the Lothian and Borders Police Pipe Band, apprehended the pickpocket on the city's main street, Le Croisette. He grabbed the man by the arm and alerted a nearby group of police after he witnessed the pickpocket trying to steal from a woman's handbag.
Q: How can you tell that the piper is on a level stage?
A: He drools from both sides of his mouth.
At the very last minute, a guy is looking for a piper to play his New Year's Eve party. Everyone is booked... except for a local pipeband. In desperation, he books them. On New Year's Eve, the band marches into the room, pipes at the ready. The guests are prepared for the worst New Year's Eve ever. Much to everyone's surprise, the pipeband turns out to be a big hit.
At evening's end, the host asked if he could book them for the following New Year's. "Sure! Great!," the pipers replied. "And," asked the pipe major, "may we leave our bagpipes here until then?"
Q: How do you know when a piper is about to say something intelligent?
A: He starts his sentence with, "A drummer once told me..."
Three men, a Scot, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were walking on the beach one day when they kicked up an old lamp.A genie appeared.
"I will grant each of you a wish." he said.
The Scot said,"My family have always been farmers. Make all the land in Scotland fertile so that we will not have to work so hard to make a living."
"Done!" said the genie.
The Frenchman said, "Build a high wall all around France so that no foreigners may enter my beloved country."
"Done" said the genie.
The Scot says, " Before I make my wish, tell me about this wall."
"Well" said the genie,"It's 20 feet thick and 40 feet tall and nothing can get in or out."
"Fine." says the Englishman. "Fill it with water please."
Mick obtained a job with the Highway Commission, painting stripes down the middle of the highway. The first day on the job, he painted 5 miles of stripes, and his supervisor was mighty pleased.
The second day on the job, he painted only about a mile and a half, and the third day, he painted less than a mile. The boss asked, "What's wrong, Mick?"
Mick said, "I think I'm getting too far away from the paint can."
EUROCRATS want to ban the bagpipes with a barmy new noise pollution law.
Brussels officials are planning new rules under health and safety policy which will drastically reduce permitted noise levels in public. The new laws would also affect pop concerts, pubs, discos, karaoke and - even more bizarrely - football crowd noise. It means the skirl of the pipes will become outlawed, unless the pipers and people in the vicinity are equipped with protective earplugs. And last night, there was widespread condemnation of the new regulations, to be voted on next week. Conservative MEP Struan Stevenson led the calls for a rethink on the legislation which would mean bagpipes being technically banned for the first time since Culloden. He said: "These regulations mean we have six days to save the pipes.
"The officials drafting this law seem blissfully unaware of what it will mean. Technically, bagpipe playing, where there are no protective earplugs available, will become illegal and in my reckoning that is just ridiculous. "This is bureaucracy gone mad. You simply could not make it up."
The European Union want to change the way decibel readings are taken from weekly averages to daily decibel thresholds. The issue is to be voted on next Tuesday in a full parliamentary session in Strasbourg.
Stevenson added: "The UK Health and Safety Executive favours the old way of calculating noise which would allow everyone to continue enjoying bagpipes and pop concerts in a common sense way. "But the majority of opinion at the EU wants to change to the new daily calculations. "Bagpipes can reach a decibel level of 130. The new rules would mean a limit of 87 decibels."
The new directive is aimed at employment law. But anyone in a pipe band who even draws expenses will be covered by the legislation. Robert Mathieson, Pipe Major of 13-times World Pipe Band Champions the Shotts and Dykehead Caledonia Pipe Band said: "Forgive me for laughing but this is unreal.
"The people pushing this through should realise that next year the European Pipe Band Championships will be in Antwerp, Belgium. "The Eurocrats will probably be able to hear the pipes in Brussels and Strasbourg whether they wear earmuffs or not."
The Record put the EU ruling to the test with East Renfrewshire Council's environmental health officer, Martin Valenti. Martin used sound reading equipment to check the noise levels in a variety of different situations. At the National Piping Centre in Glasgow, Chris Armstrong's pipes blasted in at between 115 and 120 decibels, well over the new EU level of 87 decibels. The 22-year-old piping tutor said: "I have been playing since I was six and resent any move to stop me.
"Scots have been playing the pipes for centuries and I've never heard of anyone having ear problems because of it."
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"Who was it?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Moira O'Rork?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with
you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four good leads," says Tommy.
Actor Connery Leads Bagpipe Parade
By VERENA DOBNIK Associated Press Writer - April 6, 2002
NEW YORK (AP) Never has Manhattan seen so many men's bare knees, including Sean Connery's, walking up the avenue.
The Edinburgh-born actor, in a kilt, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg, his knees well-hidden under pants, led a band of about 10,000 bagpipers and drummers up 6th Avenue on Saturday.
The one-time event marked Tartan Day, a celebration of Scottish heritage and billed by organizers as the world's largest pipe and drum parade.
But this is New York, and more than one kilt came with something surprising. Atop one woolen getup: an Indian headdress. Another man honored his Caribbean heritage with dreadlocks atop his Scottish wools.
"Now I'm really confused!" spectator Scott Balsan said at the sight of Angus MacKenzie, who honored his part-Cree, part-Scottish heritage by wearing a rich spread of white feathers as he walked with a Scottish silver mace.
There were 1,200 participants from Scotland. Others represented 26 countries and all 50 U.S. states.
The parade was to benefit cancer patients and survivors through the Marie Curie Cancer Care organization, based in Great Britain, and the New York-based Gilda's Club Worldwide, a support network named for late entertainer Gilda Radner. Each participant pledged donations and a fund-raiser was held at the Waldorf-Astoria on Friday night.
When the parade stepped off at about 2 p.m. in the 41-degree chill, piper Curt Anderson had eight feet of woolen kilt and a little something extra to ward off the cold.
In his white fur sporran, a pouch worn on the belt, "I have a little bit of Scotch whiskey. It's kind of cool today, so I've already had some," he said.
And what was he wearing under his kilt?
"Just shoes and socks," he deadpanned.
It's part of the Scottish tradition for men to wear nothing under their kilt, explained parade producer Thomas Grotrian, one of only about 20 men wearing "trews" or trousers.
"It's a lot more comfortable in this sort of weather," explained Grotrian, minutes after a brief flurry of snowflakes.
An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims" "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!"
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"
Well, says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"Nay, nay." the Scottish physician corrects him: "This is the Serious Burns Unit!"
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites."
There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
A Scot goes into a public house and orders seven shots of whisky and a pint chaser. The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.
The bartender says, "I say, you certainly drank those fast."
The Scot explains, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have, lad."
The bartender inquires, "And just what do you have?"
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "50 pence."
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Dinna ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
PIPERS ARE BEST MUSICIANS IN THE WORLD OFFICIAL Jan 12 2003 - Norman Silvester Exclusive
SCIENTISTS have discovered pipers are the world's best musicians.
Geoffrey Walsh spent years on a painstaking investigation to find the most difficult instrument to master.
And yesterday the leading physiologist revealed pipers are the world's master musicians - much more skilled than top-selling performers like Nigel Kennedy, Vanessa Mae, James Galway and Evelyn Glennie.
Dr Walsh says pipers like Pipe Major Tony Crease of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards - who played on No.1 hit Amazing Grace in 1972 - are technically more proficient than other musicians.
He discovered that finger co-ordination among pipers - which is vital to all musicians - is vastly superior to that of any other artists.
The results of his five-year research programme also show that the bagpipe is the hardest instrument to learn.
Dr Walsh tested a selection of 15 pipers, 13 woodwind players, 11 violinists, 23 pianists, and 10 accordionists from the College of Piping in Glasgow, the Birmingham Conservatoire and the Institute of Music in Hanover.
Each were then set a complicated series of finger co-ordination exercises using a specially- constructed key-board to test their hand skills.
During the experiments the bagpipers made fewer mistakes than the other musicians.
Dr Walsh who is based at Edinburgh University is one of the world's leading experts on the human hand.
He carried out more than 2000 tests between 1997 and 2002 using the latest in computer technology to examine and dissect the findings.
He got the idea when he started learning the bagpipes himself.
He already knew how to play the flute but found the pipes a much bigger challenge. He explained: "When the idea of the survey came to me I was surprised that no one had thought of it before.
"I was surprised how quick pipers' fingers were.
"The skill of the bagpipes is solely in the use of the fingers which makes it probably the most difficult instrument to play.
"Because they play outdoors it is far easier for the audience to spot mistakes so a bagpiper really has to be on his or her toes.
"Bagpipers also tend to start at an early age which gives them a start on other musicians.
"Piping in Scotland is very competitive. Imperfections in timing will be readily detected by skilled judges and must as far as possible be eliminated.
"The fact that many pipers can learn in a disciplined environment such as the Boys Brigade, Army or Police makes them better musicians."
Robert Wallace, Principal of the College of Piping in Glasgow said the results of the research came as no surprise to bagpipers across the world.
He said: "Bagpiping is the most exacting musical discipline in the world.
"Even the best pipers in the world never stop learning.
"This research shows what pipers have known for years. When it comes to musicianship, no one can touch us.
"The growing numbers of people across the world learning how to play the pipes is testimony to the instrument's enduring appeal and fascination."
Pipe Major Tony Crease's solo on Amazing Grace, played with the pipes and drums of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards brought the pipes to a global audience for the first time. Paul McCartney's Mull of Kintyre confirmed their popularity.
Other famous pipers include Ewan McGregor, Phil Collins, Mike Oldfield and Michael Martin Speaker of the House of Commons.
Dr Walsh's research showed that while pipers were top in the tests woodwind players came second to violinists, pianists and accordionists.
Oh, no they're not...
YESTERDAY music expert Dr Marjorie Rycroft of Glasgow University expressed reservations about Dr Walsh's findings.
She said: "Just because you have good finger dexterity doesn't make you a good musician.
"This seems a crude way of deciding.
"I am sure there will be many who will disagree that bagpipers make better musicians."
Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."
An inexperienced piper took time off from his playing to speak to a guest:
"It's my understanding you enjoy the music of the pipes?"
"Indeed I do", replied the guest, "but never mind, keep on playing."
Q: What's the difference between a wedding and wake in Ireland?
A: One less drunk at the wake.
Being a financially prudent man, Mr. MacLennan was rather upset when he accidentally let a 50p coin fall into the public toilet.
"What shall I do?" he wondered. "Is it worth delving in there for 50p?" Then he had a brainwave. Reaching into his pocket, he found another 50p coin and dropped it in too.
"A pound's another matter entirely," he thought, rolling up his sleeve.
At the wake held for a notorious troublemaker, a sudden silence fell. To break it, someone said:
"Who can say something good about old Seamus?"
The silence deepened. Then at last one of the mourners spoke:
"His brother was worse."
An Irishman arrived at the Atlanta Airport and wandered pitifully around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
A concerned airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" cried the Irishman.
"How much does it cost to have an obituary printed?" asked the caller.
"It's two pounds per word, madam" said the editor.
"Fine," said the women. Get a pencil & some paper then take this down: MacDonnell...Dead"
The reporter waited for the women to go on, "That's it?" he asked.
"That's it," she said.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you madam, and there's a five word minimum."
"Yes, you should have young man," retorted the woman. "Let me think a moment. OK, I have it – take this down: "MacDonnell dead. Bagpipes for sale."
An Irishman appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "On a trip to Dublin, I came upon a gang of ruffians threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I approached the largest of them, smacked him on the head, and told him, "Leave her alone now, or you shall answer to me!"
St. Peter was duly impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"Tis a big place," commented Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "And wouldn't it do wonders for Texas."
A married Scottish man returned home from some Highland Games with a set of very expensive bagpipes. He couldn't wait to show them to his wife and point out all the features that made them worth the extravagent price he paid. She listened patiently, but he could see that she was getting angrier and angrier the more he extolled their features.
The wife tore into him, "You stupid, stupid man! What a total waste of money! You don't even play the pipes!"
He replied, "My dear, do I complain when you buy a brassiere?"
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction...
"$110 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.
"Och! Huv ye nay got unythin cheaper?", replies the Scotsman a bit agitated.
"That's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.
"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $85", replied the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $65", said the dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin'?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well OK. It'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $45 in that case", said the dentist.
"Brilliant, it's a deal!" said the Scotsman. "Can ye book me wife for next Thursday?"
A piper was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important performance and couldn't find a parking spot.
Looking toward Heaven, he said "Lord, please take pity upon me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up whisky."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The piper looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
There was this man, Willie. A great piper in his day, he had won both gold medals and several clasps as well as several world championships while playing with one of the top Grade 1 pipe bands in the world for over half a century. It was different now. His memory was bad and he could no longer blow a full sounding set of pipes. Old Willie had settled into a quiet routine of reading the paper, listening to the radio, watching the soaps on TV and occasionally playing his practice chanter, when he could remember a tune.
One day a former piping student arrived for a visit and, after the usual greetings at the door and putting the guest's coat away in the closet, Willie's wife went into the kitchen to make the tea.
Hearing his teacher's daily routine, the guest shook his had sadly and said, "Willie, you should get out once in a while. It is not good to sit here all day."
Willie answered, "We do get out a bit. Only last week we went to a pub and heard some wonderful piping. They have it every Thursday."
"That sounds interesting," his guest said. "I think I'd enjoy a night like that. What pub was it?"
Willie looked thoughtful for a few moments, and his guest realised the old fellow had forgotten the name of the pub. Then Willie's face brightened up and he said, "You know that flower, the one with the thorns, with pretty red petals...?"
"You mean a rose?" his guest replied, trying to help the old man out.
"That's it!," cried Willie and he turned his head over his shoulder and shouted toward the kitchen.
"Rose, what was the name of that pub we were in last Thursday?
At the Mod in Oban, many years ago, three old piping friends met and had a dram together; then the hotel bar closed, so they retired to the room one of them had booked, along with pipes and a bottle of whisky. Unfortunately, there was but one glass in the room, so one of the pipers set out to search for glasses and found two. He was on his way back when the night porter spotted him and said warningly, "I hope you're not going to be doing any loud singing at this time of night."
"Och, no," he replied, "We're just going to have a few quiet tunes on the pipes".
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly telephoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?", asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it.", replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, were sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure deid brilliant," said Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' organised awready... the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister. Even ma stag night". Archie nodded approvingly.
"I even bought a kilt to be married in.", continued Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smairt in that. An' whit's the tartan?", Archie then enquired.
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."
When a tradesman finishes a task at a house in Scotland, it's an old custom to offer him a wee drink. "Would you like a wee dram?", the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. "Ah wouldna' say No", he replied.
The lady produced the bottle. "How do you like it, Sandy?" she asked.
He replied: "Half whisky and half water. An' pit in plenty o' water".
Donald, the budding piper, was holding forth in his favorite pub with far more enthusiasm than expertise.
Three times his mates cried out, "Aye, Donal' gi'e 's Sco'lan' the Brave!"
And three times the aggrieved Donald replied, "Wha'! Ag'in?"
And still he did not understand.