Some men there are love not a gaping pig; some, that are mad if they behold a cat; and others, when the bagpipe sings...cannot contain their urine...William Shakespeare

I enjoy them best from a great distance...Anonymous

The inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig...Alfred Hitchcock

They say that he (Nero) can play the aulos both with his mouth, and also with the armpit, a bag being thrown under it...Dio Chrysostom

They only have nine notes. Just how difficult could the pipes be to learn? aspiring piper

What are these men going to do with such bundles of sticks? I can supply them with better implements of war...Duke of Cumberland, reviewing Highlanders in his employ - 1745.

Music they (the Scots) have, but not the harmony of the spheres, but loud taurean noises, like the bellowing of beasts... Englishman, 1679

Thank God there is no odor... Oscar Wilde

'There's meat and music here', said the fox as he ran off with the bagpipes... Scottish axiom

Give the piper a penny to play and two pence to leave... English proverb

He screw'd the pipes and mak'd them skirl, till roof an' rafters aw' did dirl... Robert Burns

The best things written about the bagpipe are written on five lines of the great staff... Pipe Major Donald MacLeod, MBE

If thy neighbor offend thee, give each of his children bagpipes... Scottish proverb

Out of the houses the rats came tumbling/ Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats/ Followed the Piper for their lives... Robert Browning - The Pied Piper of Hamlin (1842)

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe... Anonymous

But canna get oot a richt note, for the bubblyjock swallowed the bagpipes. And the blether stuck in its throat... Hugh MacDiarmid

Many of them were Scotchmen in their plaids and their music was delightful. Even the bagpipe was not disagreeable... John Adams, US President

Yon squakin' saxophone gives me the syncopated gripes. / I'm sick of jazz, I want to hear the skirling of the pipes... Robert Service, poet

A baggepipe wel koude he blowe and sowne, / And therwithal he broughte us out of towne... Geoffrey Chaucer - The Canterbury Tales ca. 1380

Nothing says despair like the skirl of a bagpipe... Frasier Crane - A.K.A. Kelsey Grammar

What amazing music... the music that drove men mad, that drove very civilized Scots, people, poets, and gentle farmers, drove them to do horrible, bloodthirsty things and to have horrible bloody things done to them... Garrison Keillor - A Prairie Home Companion

Pipers are generally clothed in scarlet and fine linen... fare sumptuously every day... and are courted and caressed by every body, especially by the Ladies, who would prefer a Piper to a Prince... Captain Robert Menzies - The Bagpipe Preceptor, published in 1818

An accordian is just a bagpipe with pleats... seen on T-shirt

The loud bagpipe is their chief delight; stringed instruments are too soft to penetrate the organs of their ears, that are only pleased with sounds of substance... Thomas Kirk, 1679

To those who know not the pipes, the feel of the bag in the oxter is a gaiety lost. The sweet round curve is like a girl's waist; it is friendly and warm in the crook of the elbow and against a man's side, and to press it is to bring laughing or tears... Neil Munro

Hamish was staggering home from the pub with a pint of whisky in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily to the street. Struggling to get back on his feet, he felt something decidedly moist running down his leg.
"Please, Lord", he implored, "please let it be blood!"

A fellow enters a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks him, "What might that be you're carrying?"
"About twelve pounds of semtex", replies the fellow.
"Glory Be! I t'ought it was bagpipes!"

Q: What is the difference between pipers and terrorists?
A: Terrorists usually have sympathisers.

Two Scotsmen, Angus and Seamus, have grown up in the same village together. They were pals all their lives, even married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from each other. But now, Seamus is on his deathbed, surrounded by friends family.
He calls, "Come 'ere Angus. I hae a request for ye." Angus goes to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Angus, we been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I hae one last request fir ye." Angus burst into tears: "Anything Seamus, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whisky in Scotland, bottled the year I was born, it was. After I die, and they place me in the cold ground, I want you to pour that fine whisky over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for eternity."
Angus is overcome by the beauty and Scottish sentiment of his dying friend's request.
"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me Seamus, and I shall pour the whisky. But, might I first strain it through me kidneys?"

Twas rather a rainy night when poor Bill Devlin crashed his car into Father Murphy's - when the latter was stopped for a red light. Bill ran to Father Murphy's aid, and Father sharply rebuked him: "Bill, you nearly killed me!"
"There, there, Father," replied Bill, in tones of remorse, "Don't you be worryin'! Here's a bit o' whisky to warm and soothe you."
Father Murphy was calmed after he'd finished the pint, and said to Bill, "Well, now, I've been taking this all for meself, and you were in a collision as well, even if you did cause it. Would you be wanting a bit o' this for yourself now?"
"Oh, no t'ank you, Father, keep it for your trouble. I'll just stay here and wait for the police."

Magistrate: Seumas, you are sentenced to 40 days in jail. Is there anything you would like to say on your behalf?
Seumas: Yes, Your Lordship. What if I called you a "son of a bitch"?
Magistrate: I would be forced to supplement your sentence with a substantial fine and order additional time in jail.
Seumas: Your Lordship, what if I think the same instead?
Magistrate: In this country there are no laws governing what a man may think.
Seumas: I am pleased to hear that Your Lordship. I think you are a son of a bitch.

An Englishman and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman approached them. "You know," said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman said to me: 'Pay up' . I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did nothing, so I got a free drink!"
The Englishman was intrigued with the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Englishman came out and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either.
- So the Scot gives it a try. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As he talks with the barman, the barman mentioned two blokes who walked out without paying. The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said, "I don't need any trouble." The Scot replied, "Well, it's getting late. If you give me my change, I'll be heading home."

A clan chief regularly employed a local piper to play during his elaborate suppers. On one such occasion the piper, Hamish, was overlooked as to his usual dram before commencing play. To revenge the chief, the piper provided a bad example of his art. This caused the chief to rebuke Hamish harshly, and demand explanation.
"The pipes play verra, verra hard this evening", explained Hamish.
"Tell me what shall soften them?" queried the chief.
"Och, whusky. Only whusky shall help sir".
With a perfunctory wave of the hand, a servant was quickly sent for a glass of the aforementioned spirits which Hamish hastily downed his throat.
The chief was infuriated. "Hamish! You scoundrel! Did you not say it was for the bagpipes?"
"Aye sir. But these pipes are most peculiar. They prefer the whusky to be blawed in."

"Much may be made of a Scotsman if he's caught young." - Dr Samuel Johnson

A Scot, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for several miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up: "You've been on for five miles - that'll be 50p. And 10p for your suitcase as well."
The Scotsman responds: "I hae not! I want a, ha' penny fare. I joost got on this verra moment." An argument ensues, with the ticket collector becoming more and more agitated. Finally, as the bus crosses London Bridge, the collector takes hold of the Scot's suitcase, and hurls it from the bus. It lands in the river and promptly sinks. The Scot stands in disbelief for a moment and then shouts to the ticket collector, "Not only are ya tryn' to overcharge me for the ticket, but now you've gone an' drowned me boy Hamish!"

Riley finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. The emerging Genie asks, "Master, I must grant you three wishes, what would you like?" Riley scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never goes dry". "Granted Master", replied the Genie as he produced the enchanted bottle. Riley was delighted and became deliriously intoxicated with this Guinness bottle for days. In a fit of sobriety he recalled he has two more wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Master, what would please you?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?", he asks the Genie, "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another pair o' them"

Two English socialites were discussing vacation plans on a London street corner in hearing distance of an Irish woman.
"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year", said the first.
"You oughtn't do that," said the second. "There are so many Irish in Devon. It would be awful"
"Dear me", said the first. "Where do you plan to holiday?"
"We're travelling to Salisbury", the second replied.
The first pointed out, "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!"
By now the Irish lady no longer could hold her tongue. "Why don't ye both go straight to hell?, she suggested. "You'll find no Irish there".

A pensioner lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and the father didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden for spring planting.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received his reply, "For Heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the guns."
At 4:00 am the following morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found no firearms. Perplexed, the man wrote his son telling him what occurred and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply: "Plant the potatoes father."

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God released a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look what I'm creating". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and answered, "What is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting lifeon it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hotly contended spot. Now look over here. I've put a cold continent in the north and another one of warmth in the south. And then the Archangel spoke, "What's that green dot there?". And God said "Ahhh, the Emerald Isle - a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth with beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coastline. The people there are going to be great and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed: "Hold on, what about "balance", you said there was going to be a balance.
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbors I'm going to give them".

Scottish tourist to taxi driver: "How much is it to the airport?"
Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty."
Scottish tourist: "And the luggage?"
Taxi driver:"The luggage, of course, is free."
Scottish tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick, "next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in all Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there".
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

It happened at a pub that a dear old lady from beyond the Tweed spied a Scottish piper, with his instrument of torture, and begged for a tune. For a solid hour the Highlander marched up down performing. "Dear me," said a nervous lady, "I suppose it's very fine, but it does sound a little like an air raid siren, doesn't it?" "No madam," replied an exasperated pub patron, "it sounds like an air raid."

Sir Walter Scott, in one of his novels, best describes the height of a Highlander's happiness: "Twenty-four bagpipe players assembled together in a small room, all playing at the same time different tunes."

Picture pioneers pushing farther and farther into the Badlands of the American West with native Indians serving as scouts. As they kept the monotonous trek, they began to hear the rhythmic sound of beating drums in the direction they were headed. A few of the scouts traded nervous glances, however the lead scout convinced the explorers nothing was amiss. The following day the sound of drums became more emphatic, but the lead scout assured the nervous white men. On the third day, much to everyone's terror, the pounding drums became almost deafening. On some sort of unknown cue, the drums simultaneously ceased. The terrified scouts flung down their packs and fled into the wilderness. When the captain queried the lead scout he was told, "Never have fear as long as drums make sound. When drums stop, very bad sign: next come bagpipe solo".

A Scot, an Irishman, and an Englishman, all scientists, were discussing their fiercely independent countries' efforts to join the space race.
"We're goin' on a richt, bricht, braw nicht to Neptune," said the Scot.
"Outstanding old boy!", said the English scientist. "We however, shall be going to Alpha Centauri!"
"Ah," said the Irish scientist with glee, "We're doin' better than either of you, We'll be off to the Sun, Begorra!"
The others digested this information with obvious disdain. Then the Scot countered, "But, you'll get scorched by the sun! You'll ne'er get near it!"
The Irish scientist grinned. "We've planned for that," he said. "We'll be a'goin' at night!"

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he would thin down his paint to make it go further. As it happened, he got away with this for years. The Church of Scotland decided to do a big restoration job on one of their grandest churches, Jock put in a bid and because his price was so low, he was awarded the project. He set to work erecting scaffolding, buying paint, and thinning it down with copious amounts of thinner.
Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly complete, when there was a flash of lightning accompanied by a deafening clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock off the scaffold to land in the grass below. Around him were puddles of thinned paint.
Jock knew this was judgment from the Almighty, so he fell to his knees and cried: "Lord forgive me! What must I do to make amends?"
And from Heaven above, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! And thin no more!"

Crofter to his wife,"Angus hanged himself frae a beam in the barn".
"Ya dinna cut him doon?" inquired the wife increduously.
"He wad'na deed yet." replied the crofter.

You are driving in the town one day, and see a member of the town council and a piper crossing the road. Which one do you run over first?
Answer: The councilman. Always business before pleasure.

How do you make a piper's eyes sparkle?
Shine a light in his ears.

They're still weapons of war:
TORONTO (Reuters) -- A Canadian man who protested mass layoffs by playing the bagpipes high above a factory floor was saved by a little amazing grace this week after a court refused to convict him of mischief. Daniel McCaig, 25, was arrested outside a Toronto factory one year ago after he hoisted himself three stories into the air on a crane, unfurled protest banners and blasted out repeated versions of Auld Lang Syne and other Gaelic folk songs.
The kilt-clad McCaig, who also took requests from cheering employees during the unusual 4 hour serenade, was angry the owner of the factory, transportation manufacturer Bombardier Inc. had moved to lay off about 130 workers.
McCaig, an experienced mountaineer, was eventually plucked from his rooftop perch by police and charged with mischief over C$5,000. Bombardier said the protest had forced a temporary work stoppage and cost the Montreal-based company C$200,000.
An Ontario court, however, allowed McCaig to go free on a peace bond Tuesday provided he did not break out the bagpipes near the Bombardier plant anytime soon. "I forced them to confront the issue," said an unrepentant McCaig, who now works as a tow-truck driver. "I wanted to communicate to Bombardier that what they were doing was wrong."
Despite advice of several prominent defence lawyers, McCaig refused to plead guilty for fear that a criminal record would haunt him for the rest of his life. His cause was finally adopted by five law students from York University in Toronto who crafted a defence based on constitutional issues.

Why 18 Holes on a Golf Course?
A fifth of whisky takes eighteen holes to consume, that's why. The size of a wee dram averages to 1.42 oz. Eighteen of these drams = 25.6 oz, or a fifth sized bottle of whisky.

Q: Where do you put a capo on a set of pipes?
A: Preferably around the piper's neck.

So, there's this piper who's never made the money he wanted, that's piping. He gets run over by a bus and due to his unruly life, goes to Hell. He's standing at the iron gates when a bellowing voice calls out, "A piper are we? Go to corridor C, door 78!". So on he goes, pipes in hand. As he walks down the corridor he's struck dumb by this absolutely amazing pipe music. He follows the sound until he finally comes to the source of the sound. He can't believe his luck when he opens the door, all the great pipers are here. One looks over at him and says, "Join us". He starts piping, dumb-founded with his luck. If this was Hell, then he'd happy spending eternity here. Just then the door opens and in walks in Satan himself: "'Right lads!, Break time over! Take your places.....A-one-two-three-four, 'Left a good job in the city...'".

Q: How do you get a piper out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

As a guy walks through a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish. He removes a pocket atlas and points towards different countries: "Here is suffering, there, hunger, and over there people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy. Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is very difficult, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?" The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. You see, I play the bagpipes, and have such a difficult time with the embellishments. Do you think you could...".
"OK - let's look at that atlas one more time".

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the residence hall. After he had been there a semester, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"I do nothing. I ignore them and remain here in the room playing my pipes."

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish track & field coaches was entertaining friends and colleagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs, the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest liquor store, the Scottish coach left the party to bring back more booze.
Arriving at the store, he noticed there were two men waiting in the queue. Both were dressed in olive-drab military fatigues, had heavy beards, and cigars in their mouths. He heard the first one order several bottles of various liquors. Upon being told the cost of his purchases, the individual told the proprietor that he was with "Fidel". The clerk produced a book and had him sign for his purchases. The other individual proceeded to order at least twice the amount of his companion. Upon receipt of his total, he also told the clerk that he was with "Fidel". By now, the Scot figured he was on to a very good thing.
He ordered numerous bottles of this, cigars, cigarettes, etc. Upon being presented with his total, he said that he too was with "Fidel". The proprietor replied that he could not be with Fidel.
"And why not?" demanded the indignant Scotsman.
"Because you do not have a beard and a large Cuban cigar." the proprietor replied.
At that, the Scot reached down, lifted his kilt and proudly proclaimed, "Secret Service!"

A judge, bishop, and a pipe major were having a discussion. In their overflowing vanity, talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest.
Said the judge, "My position is one of dignity and power. When I enter the courtroom, the bailiff commands 'All rise' and the courtroom stands to pay me honor."
"Very impressive." said the bishop. "People may indeed stand in your honor, but when they have an audience with me, I am addressed as 'Your Holiness.'"
The pipe major snorted and said, "I have you both beat. When I step into the circle, all the pipers look down, put their hands over their eyes, and exclaim 'Oh, my God!'"

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope from the corner of her mouth, "I bet you
a tenner I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with but a mere wave of my hand." The Pope says, "Impossible. No one can do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this Holy Father."
The Queen waves her hand and every English subject in the crowd goes beserk, waving their little Union Jacks and cheering madly. The Pope stands there thinking, "What am I ever going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a moment and then he turns to the Queen and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with one nod of my head."
The Queen snorted, "Cannot be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

A Texan saunters into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He announces, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room goes very quiet and no one dares to take up the Texan's offer. One local even leaves.
30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your offer still good?", inquires the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer wildly as the Texan sits astonished. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', just where did you go for half an hour?".
The Irishman replied, "Oh...I had to trip down to the other pub to see if I could do it".

Like to know a couple of useful idioms when you travel to Scotland?
Awa' an bile yer heid. (Go away and boil your head). An expression indicating strong disagreement with an opinion, with strong undertones of dislike for the person concerned.
Wha's like us? (Who is like us?). Spoken when glasses are raised in toast, to which the reply is: Gaye few (not many). Then both parties say in unison, An ther a' deid. (And they're all dead). No idea why.

Q: How do you dramatically improve the aerodynamics of a piper's car?
A: Quite simply. Remove the Domino's Pizza sign from the roof.

Safer in the Kilt
A new (British) safety report confirms what every real Scot knows. Donning the kilt instead of trousers is good for your health. Department of Trade and Industry determined that putting on trousers poses a serious risk of injury because people lose their balance and topple over hurting themselves. The critical and most dangerous part is pulling up the second leg when the first is still at half mast. The yearly home accident report by the DTI estimates there were 4400 trouser victims last year. Another 400 injured themselves putting on their underwear. Kiltmaker Gordon Nicholson of McCalls of Edinburgh seized on the report as evidence of what he has been preaching for years. He said: "If people would only wear traditional costume, all this pain and injury would be prevented. "I have never heard of anyone injuring themselves putting on a kilt. "I've heard of people injuring themselves once they've got it on," he added. "I would think if there were any injuries linked to kilts then they would be from dancing or drinking."

Scot whips off his kilt to save a man's life (UK News, 21 May 97)
A Scotsman saved the life of a stranded hillwalker on a remote mountainside by taking off his kilt and wrapping it round the shivering man. Bare-bottomed Andy Young, 43, braved the elements as he stripped down and used his kilt and thick cotton shirt to keep the hypothermic man warm. Mr Young cuddled close to Tom Mitchell, 41, and sang him traditional Scottish songs while they waited two hours on chilly Sron Ghorm, near the Aultguish Inn, Wester Ross, for a helicopter. Mr Mitchell, of Collynie, Methlick, near Aberdeen, went for a lone hill walk on Monday but did not return to the inn. Friends were particularly concerned because he is an epileptic. Mr Young said: "It was all I could think of because he was shivering so much. I cuddled in close beside him and I think our body heat kept us alive. I sang songs to him to keep his spirits up. I sang MacPherson's Rant, the Skye Boat Song and Pittenweem Joe over and over again. "When the helicopter arrived, I took my kilt and shirt back and looked on as he was winched into the helicopter. I did not want to have to walk into the inn naked."

A Scotsman is working at a sewage treatment facility. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a huge holding tank. He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts, "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined."
He replies, "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwich is in the pocket".

Sir Walter Scott wrote about his favorite servant Tom Purdie: "Here lies one who might be trusted with untold gold, but not with unmeasured whisky”.